January 2009
98 posts
BREAKING NEWS: ALASKA HAS THE BOMB →
Oh, I’m kidding. Actually, they have a volcano that’s about to erupt. The eruption of Mount Redoubt is imminent, scientists from the Alaska Volcano Observatory warned today. Mount Redoubt is 100 miles southwest of Anchorage, and is expected to blast ash between 30,000 and 50,000 feet high. That means it will get into the jet stream, and thus, Mount Redoubt’s particulate...
HOW TO BECOME THE MOST POPULAR GIRL AT YOUR SCHOOL →
“The photo was forwarded via text messaging to at least 100 students in the middle school, to students in Billerica Memorial High School and to students at another area high school.”
I had a nightmare like this once when I was in high school. Except it wasn’t a naked picture of me, it was me naked, in person, in front of the entire school. It was during the National Geography...
RUSSIA AND CUBA, BFF ONCE MORE →
Well, how cute. Russia and Cuba realized they’d grown apart recently, and decided to rekindle the flame. Cuban president Raul Castro became the first Cuban president to visit Russia since the Cold War, which isn’t that big of a deal considering he is the second president in Cuban history. You might recall his brother, Fidel (Ed’s note: dynamite at the plate, and gold-glove...
ANATOMY OF A SLIP AND FALL →
We can see here that the inevitable will happen. Note the posture: shoulders too far back, feet too close together and askew. It’s almost as if he senses it, as well. An uncertain look on the face; arms drawn up in anticipation.
The fall begins. Clearly visible, again, is the poor posture and ill-planted feet.
The left foot has now official entered orbit. Kudos to still maintaining a...
“We’re told that the new speaker is more conservative than his predecessor....”
– The New Mistah Speakah
WE ALL KNEW THIS DAY WAS COMING →
Ground Zero is Austin, Texas. And it makes sense— it’s an unsuspicious place, and clearly, the residents would never be expecting the onslaught of brain-starved undead wending their way through the city, devouring everything brain-related in their path. At first it will probaby be a massacre, but in my opinion, the tide will turn quickly. Everyone in Texas owns a gun.
CAPERTREE COP CASTS OFF CLOTHES IN CARPARK, COURT... →
An Aussie cop has been issued a court summons for running naked through a carpark (Ed’s note: aka a “parking lot”) while off-duty. Apparently, he removed his clothes, streaked past a group of people, then returned to the ‘carpark’ and dressed himself. A local resident reported the incident to police.
Meanwhile, in the United States, our cops won’t run past you...
FORD DOES NOT WANT YOUR BLOOD MONEY →
Ford Motor Company has announced that it will not seek government TARP funds, despite blowing through $5.5 billion in the fourth quarter (Ed’s note: pfftt I blow through that in a weekend). Ford plans on drawing from it’s available $10.1 billion of credit, and expects to break even by 2011. That’s ambitious, but feasible. It’s been both admirable and interesting to watch...
SORRY...YOUR ACCENT IS TOO GHETTO →
Curvy, sexy woman applies for job at bikini bar; is turned down because of her latin accent. She’s now suing (+1 for litigation!), seeking unspecified damages. I would have hired her had I been in charge, and her first homework assignment would be to watch “Pride & Prejudice”, and emulate the accent. Because if there’s one thing hotter than a chesty latina girl in a...
AMERICA'S NEXT TOP THREAT: EXPLODING HOUSES? →
There are many things that can cause a House to blow up. Poor defense (Eddie House goes off for 25 points), US drones (heads up, Pakistan!), to name a few. But usually, the culprit is a gas leak.
And unfortunately, until we ban exploding houses (or push for more stringent safety regulations and routine checks by gas companies), they’ll keep on explodin’. Case in point: Wayne...
3,950 PEOPLE AGREE: THIS IS NOT WHAT AN... →
“…Some later said the entrance gate to the purple area was closed, seemingly abandoned by security personnel.”
It’s a good thing this wasn’t a Big Dig tunnel.
OFF-DUTY JAKE TO THE RESCUE →
An off-duty Boston firefighter thwarted a robbery on the T yesterday, chasing down a suspect who had just punched a Suffolk University student in the face and grabbed his iPod. Frank Sullivan, 52, was able to subdue Charles Blackwell, 22, until police arrived. And seeing how Blackwell required medical treatment after his arrest, and Sullivan went about his business, something tells me that the...
FLAMING SQUIRREL 1, HALF OF TOWN 0 →
No, I’m not Jonesin’ to go to Oklahoma. What? The article is about a town named Jones, Oklahoma? You mean the same Jones, Oklahoma that Wikipedia informs us is a town in Oklahoma County, Oklahoma, United States, and a part of the Oklahoma City Metropolitan Area? The one with a population of 2,517? Huh. How about that. And we all know that Jones is a popular destination for recreational...
THE ICE BOX THAT WILL SAVE US ALL →
Two Burmese fisherman have been rescued from the Pacific Ocean after spending nearly a month adrift, Australian officials said today. The two men were on a fishing vessel with 18 others when it sank in heavy seas north of Australia, and have been drifting ever since in a cooler described as “desk size”. They had no food, no water, and no means of communication, and really how anyone...
THE INJURY WASN'T TOO BAD...SHE WAS MILKING IT →
As I had been taught by esteemed amateur anthropologist Douglas Adams, human beings are the 3rd most intelligent creatures on earth, just behind dolphins at #2, and mice at #1. Stories like this, however, would suggest that #6 on the list (cows) are making a run at a top-3 spot.
A woman riding the Boulder Open Space trail in Colorado was knocked down and then trampled by a rogue cow yesterday,...
WatchTime-lapse video of Flight 1549 being raised from the Hudson floor.
NOT EVEN FOR $216 MILLION? NO...NOT EVEN FOR $216... →
Not many people can say they’d turn down a $216 million raise. Ricky Kaka (Ed’s note: his real name is waaaaay too long to type here), Brazilian footballer currently playing for AC Milan, finds himself in that gloriously small group. After months of speculation on will he? Or won’t he? leave Italy for England, it seems like we’ve got our answer: European culture trumps...
ONE LESS HALF-ASS ELECTRONICS RETAILER, COMIN' UP! →
And it’s official: that’s all she wrote for Circuit City. As reported on the 508 a while back, The Big Red Failure was gearing up for insolvency, and guess what! They got it. Says Circuit City’s acting CEO, James Marcum, “This is the only possible path for our company. We are extremely disappointed by this outcome.”
Well, Jimbo, this one was written on the walls long...
OH, GOD DAMN IT. →
This one happened earlier in the week; kind of slipped through the news cracks a bit. UMass football coach Don Brown has left his position in Amherst to take up a job as defensive coordinator for the University of Maryland. During his time at the University of Massachusetts, Brown compiled a 43-19 record, and led his Minutemen to the NCAA playoffs twice, once making it to the championship game....
CELL PHONE 1, COMING SOON →
The internet is all abuzz regarding President-elect Barack Obama’s supposed presidential cell phone, called the Sectera Edge and made by General Dynamics. It’s a mean-looking device, to be sure…but will it replace Obama’s BlackBerry? I submit that yes, it will. And since it’s made by General Dynamics, it’s probably water-proof and armed with Trident missiles.
AT LEAST IT'S NOT UNDERAGE DRINKING →
Rebecca Ditami, you are becoming quite the menace in Framingham these days. Ordinarily I don’t pay much attention to the happenings in the Biggest Town in Massachusetts, But this particular scrape with the law came with a quote almost too priceless to pass up:
“The officers noticed she seemed to be unsteady. They asked her if she had been drinking,” said (Police spokesman) Lt....
FEDS CATCH UP WITH MAN WHO (POORLY) FAKED HIS OWN... →
Well, it was his move, and he blew it. He’s also -1 in the airplane department, too.
Usually, you only get one shot at something like this, and Marcus Schrenker, you failed miserably. Absolutely miserably. I mean, how much thought did you even put into this attempt? No stand-in body? No car waiting for you somewhere in Alabama or Florida? No pre-planned flight to a country that...
YOU'VE BEEN POKED (BY YOUR LOCAL POLICE... →
“Safebook? It’s called Safebook? I don’t even know what it is.” -Dunstable police Lieutenant James Dow
“People arrange to buy and sell drugs on Facebook; there’s talk of what they may do and where they may go. We’d be foolish not to use it as an investigative tool.” -Wilmington police Detective Pat Nally
My personal experience with Facebook is...
BOSTON WAS #1 IN VITRIOL AND RANCOR; NYC WAS #1 IN... →
Today on Who’s More Caffeinated?, we travel the United States in search of the most-wired city. Not in the digital sense; but more in the sense of grinding teeth, wild eyes, and shaking hands.
Our choices are:
1) TAMPA (Home of the Cuban sandwich) 2) CHICAGO (Home of the Ward Willits House) or 3) SEATTLE (Former home of the Seattle Supersonics)
And the winner is…Tampa! This one...
THIS LOCATION STINKS: TOILET MUSEUM MOVES →
Looks like we now know where Worcester’s flushes end up: Watertown. If you like articles clogged with plumbing references (Ed’s note: that was a layup), then this one is for you.
“A few weeks ago, a friend and I wondered if we could find a way to invest in the...”
– Alex Beam waxes philosophic about Somalian pirates