December 2008
60 posts
THE ORACLE BITCH-SLAPS THE YANKEES →
Great blog from Peter Gammons regarding the Yankees acquisitions this offseason. And Gammons, don’t tease us with possibilities of acquiring Maggs at the halfway point in 2009…
WatchLooks like the warehouse guys have some cleanin’ up to do. Dan, Chris…get on that ASAP, please. If you need me, I’ll be in the food court.
THE OLD INSANITY DEFENSE MIGHT JUST WORK HERE →
A local man from Holliston accused of mailing bomb threats to California hospitals, airports, homes, business and celebrities is going to rely on an insanity defense to clear his name. Court documents state that Michael Smegal, 43, will go with the Hail Mary option to avoid prison time. Nothing about this story makes any sense, so it’s pretty possible that Smegal could be bat-shit insane. ...
SIX DEGREES OF BACON: CONNECT HIM TO A PONZI... →
Bernie Madoff ran a bunk investment securities firm that only recently was exposed as a $50 billion ponzi scheme. Those who have lost money due to Madoff’s crooked ways are both the famous and the obscure; they range from politicians to philanthropists; from charity groups to universities. The latest high-profile individual to lose money to Madoff is Kevin Bacon, proving once again,...
MAYO WINS DEFENSIVE ROOKIE OF THE YEAR →
New England Patriot Jerod Mayo (LB) has won the AP’s Defensive Rookie of the Year award. Mayo, the Pats’ first draft pick of 2008, received 49 of 50 votes. He led the Patriots in tackles with 137, and his versatility, highlighted by freakish quickness and an extremely physical style made him stand out even more amongst a defense that struggled with speed.
Mayo was the 10th...
Joe Kinnear's X-rated rant as read by computer →
Joe Kinnear’s first day as manager of Newcastle United had a lot more expletives than you’d think. I can’t stop laughing at this, I don’t know why.
I'M SURE HE'S QUALIFIED... →
Gov. Deval Patrick has hired his neighbor, Dana Harrell, to be the state’s director of real estate services. The position pays $120,000 a year. Harrell and his wife have contributed nearly $1500 to Patrick’s campaign.
TENNESSEE VALLEY AUTHORITY TO SELECT CUSTOMERS:... →
A breach in a wall at TVA’s power plant in Kingston, TN sent over 1 billion gallons of coal waste downhill, damaging 15 homes and covering nearly 300 acres in sludge. The incident, which occured last week, is the single largest spill of it’s kind in US history. TVA has vowed to clean the mess up (Ed’s note: Oh, gee, how thoughtful), but it will be a lengthy process.
Johnny...
ON THE 7TH DAY OF CHRISTMAS, THE SWAMPSCOTT PD... →
Swampscott resident Arnulf Simmon was arrested after failing to turn down his Christmas music. Twice the SPD came to Simmon’s residence on Dec. 21 to ask him to lower the volume, and twice, Simmon refused. Simmon allegedly told police “I’m treated better by the communists.”
After the second visit, an intrepid officer decided it would make sense to bring the 67-year-old...
THE GREATEST STORY EVER TOLD: 1/16/09 →
Can you believe it! We’re just about 2 weeks away from the release of “Paul Blart: Mall Cop”, starring Kevin James (Ed’s note: he plows Leah Remini in “King of Queens”), and I couldn’t be more excited. It’s a story of a single father working to make ends meet as a mall cop, but dreams of becoming a real cop. When a group of Santa’s helpers...
SCHOOL TO STUDENTS: SHOW UP SOBER, OR DON'T SHOW... →
And I couldn’t agree more. High school kids shouldn’t be getting drunk and going to prom. No, high school kids should be soaked in Old Spice, terrified of their date’s father, and wearing a sharp Bruce Lee style tux to the prom. Oh hey wait a second, that was MY senior prom!!
PIZZA AND LASAGNA, TOGETHER AT LAST!! →
Maine mom invents the new hot dinner item: Pizzania. This sounds incredible. To Hannafords!!
WAL-MART KEEPS DOIN' ITS THANG, WILL SELL iPHONES... →
Wal-mart began selling iPhones today, and true to Wal-mart style, they are cheaper under Sam’s big roof than anywhere else. Not by much, mind you, but $197 for an 8-gig iPhone compared to $199 is, technically, a savings. Fu**ing Wal-mart.
Wal-mart does not yet carry RIM’s blackberry, thankfully. Keep your monstrous fingers off my Canadian smartphones!
YARMOUTH DESTROYS EVIDENCE OF SIN →
Yarmouth officials have destroyed hundreds of pictures of people engaging in “intimate behavior” taken by hidden cameras located around the Dennis Pond Conservation Area. Residents had complained about the amount of sexual activity taking place in this part of the Cape, and the town listened. Had they known the sheer volume of evidence they were going to collect, I’m sure they...
“I talked to Jeremy on the phone, and he told me that he discovered that he had a...”
– Some asshole leaves some Broadway show
GET READY TO DUST OFF OLD SPARKY, NEW HAMPSHIRE →
A New Hampshire jury has found Michael Addison guilty of murdering Officer Michael Briggs, and has issued the first death sentence in the Granite state in 49 years. Addison had been on a crime spree when he was approached by Officer Briggs, who had recognized him from previous reports. This case will be reviewed by the Supreme court, and appeals will absolutely be filed by Addison’s...
CANADIANS MAKING A RUN ON AMERICAN RUBBER →
A recent surge in the amount of Canadians coming to the United States to buy tires is due to a new law recently passed in Quebec. As part of a government initiative to cut down on weather-related crashes, all passenger vehicles are now required to have snow tires in bad weather months. Tire stores in New Hampshire, Vermont and Maine have reported a brisk increase in sales, with no stopping in...
Watch11 seconds in, the age old “Cartilage vs Ice” war claims another victim.
PROTESTORS IN BEIJING RALLY AGAINST THE LOST ART... →
No good can come from you reading this article, unless you want to know just how exactly the Chinese eat cats.
FUN CAT EATING FACT: over 10,000 cats are eaten daily in the Guangdong province. Me-OWCH!
EGG HEIST!! →
Over 259,000 eggs (Ed’s note: street value $25,000) have been stolen from a New England egg farm in two separate incidents. Authorities believe the eggs may be headed for asian markets in Boston and New York, and have advised locals to be on the lookout for…a truck full of eggs, and a driver without the proper paperwork.
Says Maine statie Michael Chavez, “They knew what they...
HIGH TIMES ON THE GREEN LINE →
54 bus, train and trolley operators have failed drug tests since 2006, but have still been able to keep their jobs and continue drivin’ us around thanks to the lenient T policy of “two strikes and you’re out”. In fact, both drivers of green line trains involved in accidents last month (a pedestrian was actually struck by one train) failed drug tests taken afterwards.
...
PEOPLE WHO ARE TALLER THAN TOM CRUISE
-Danny Glover (6’3) -Janet Reno (6’2) -Venus Williams (6’1) -Uma Thurman (5’11) -Johnny Depp (5’10) -Robert De Niro (5’9) -Chris Farley (5’8) -Sandra Bullock (5’7 1/2)
(Tom Cruise’s listed height: 5’7)
MEANWHILE, ACROSS THE STREET FROM THE HOUSE RUTH... →
Could Manny Ramirez be heading back to the AL East? It should come as no surprise that the Yankees are interested in acquiring the righty slugger, who historically kills everything thrown at him in the Bronx. Word is that a 3 year offer worth $22-$25 million per year is being floated to Manny’s agent Scott Boras (Ed’s note: major douchebag), who is most likely waiting to hear what...
UNIQUE CHRISTMAS GIFTS, PART 1 →
For the lady who has everything: A Donnie Wahlberg charm necklace. This screams class at the top of its lungs, and then throws an empty McDonald’s cup at you.
LINDSAY HAS ARRIVED...T-SHIRT STATUS →
Just in time for the holiday season: a ‘party dangerously’ t-shirt featuring LiLo at the height of her debauchery.
Watch“You got an elephant, an’ I got space.”
ANOTHER REASON TO AVOID PENNSYLVANIA →
Area grocery store denies man’s request to have his son’s full name put on a birthday cake. The full name? Adolf Hitler Campbell.
I think the bigger question here is, who names their kid Adolf Hitler?
“The Campbells’ other two children also have unusual names: JoyceLynn Aryan Nation Campbell turns 2 in a few months and Honszlynn Hinler Jeannie Campbell will be 1 in...
STAYING IN SHAPE WITH SAMMY MORRIS →
RB Sammy Morris of the New England Patriots talked to students at the Shining Star Early Childhood Center in Milford yesterday, about the importance of keeping healthy. So what keeps Sammy healthy? Apples, bananas and exercise, he told the youngsters.
I’m sure he left ephedrine off the list, which he was suspended for 4 games in 2005 for taking.
MASSACHUSETTS BEATS KANSAS, 61-60 →
This was a huge win for the Minutemen, who have been struggling so far this year under new coach Derek Kellogg and his dribble-drive offense. UMass held off defending national champion Kansas to hang on for the win, taking a 61-60 victory from the Jayhawks. The Maroon came in to a hostile home environment in Kansas City, and never backed down. Guards Ricky Harris and Chris Lowe were huge, but...
WatchCongratulations! You all suck at driving.
NEW THINGS DISCOVERED IN OLD PLACE →
Nearly 1100 new species have been discovered in the largely unexplored Mekong Delta region (Ed’s note: 519 plants, 279 fish, 88 frogs, 88 spiders, 46 lizards, 22 snakes, 15 mammals, four birds, four turtles, two salamanders and a toad), including a green pit viper, a brightly colored millipede, and an ungodly spider with a near foot-long legspan. This is great news to scientists, because...
BURGER KING BODY SPRAY...TRUE STORY →
Strange. I always thought Burger King smelled like burning flesh, failure, and anguish. Apparently, it smells like cinnamon.
HOW TO LOSE 2,000 LITERS OF HYPOCHLORITE ACID →
Well, then. Nothing good can come from this.
HOW TO WIN A TONY AWARD →
Acto Daniel Hoevels actually slit his own throat during a performance of the play Mary Stuart this past weekend, when the prop knife he was using for a dramatic scene malfunctioned. How does a prop knife malfunction, you ask? In this case, it was actually a real knife, and the blade was really sharp. So there you have it. Hoevels staggered off stage and collapsed, getting both incredible applause...
JOHN DALY WILL SMASH YOUR CAMERA, THEN MAYBE YOUR... →
John Daly is not the kind of golfer you want to upset, as he is a towering bear of a man who looks more likely to be operating heavy machinery than swinging Taylor-mades. He’s no stranger to controversy, and over the past year alone, I can think of two bizarre incidents involving him (the first being when his wife attacked/clawed his face, and thus he golfed all weekend on TV with scratch...
“Having sex under the northern lights — it’s an awesome...”
– Northern Lights an Aphrodisiac?
KEANU REEVES: PORTRAIT OF THE ARTIST →
Thank you, Reuters, for creating a term that adequately sums up “Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure”: escapist fantasy
SO, BOBCAT, WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE FOR CHRISTMAS? ... →
“It had absolutely huge paws, like 3 inches around.”
An unknown person brought an animal of unknown species (Ed’s note: that’s a frigging bobcat, boss. I’m no Steve Irwin, but I know a bobcat when I see one) to a pet store in New Jersey where pet owners were able to take pictures of their animals in Santa’s lap, and the unthinkable happened: Santa got bit...
WAIT, SO YOU DIDN'T ORDER THE MACHINE GUN? →
A grandmother receives a package she had been expecting in the mail, only to find out that instead of being a horse harness, it was an HK submachine gun. Ooops!